Develop a healthy perspective towards your relationship
As the relationship grows and after the honeymoon phase starts to fade away slowly. We have to develop a healthy perspective to build a foundation for a committed relationship. The commitment relationship phase is where partners accept each other’s weaknesses and strengths. This phase is where you can improve your relationship and can learn a lot about your partner.1
It just does not happen in one day. For this, we have to learn to develop a healthy perspective for a healthy relationship. The best part is these “Little Learning” can actually help to improve your relationship.
#1.The outlook of your relationship
When you look at the journey of your relationship, What kind of “story of your relationship” you would come up with? Every couple can have their own tale of relationship. We all enjoy as well as struggle in the relationship. But what are the things we focus on? Do we cherish our struggles and still proud of being with each other OR do we magnify focus more on our scorecards, who were wrong for most of the time?
This may sound weird but when couples have a NEGATIVE OUTLOOK on their relationship’s journey, likely they are still struggling with each other. On the contrary, couples with POSITIVE OUTLOOK irrespective of their tough times they are likely to succeed in their relationship.
Some of the questions to help you to make your “story of your relationship”.
- What are your best-loved memories?
- In what manner you think your relationship has changed?
- How you dealt with tough times together as a couple?
#2. Express feelings without judgements
Judgements along with contempts are such things which can literally uproot any relationship in the most deceptive way. You don’t even recognize when you are being judgemental and misunderstood the same as your own “feelings”. Of course, its something we have to learn!! No one knows everything.
Judgemental contempt sounds like: “We haven’t gone out for dinner. You have got all your time for your friends and no time for me”. Instead, how the genuine expression of feelings sounds like: “I can understand you are busy with your work but I am feeling like to spend some good time with you. Let’s plan to have dinner outside”.
It does not necessarily be the same way of communication. Understand the difference between expressing contempt and feelings. You can figure out your own communication to express your feelings with empathy. Zack Brittle, Certified Gottman Therapist, in his book The Relationship Alphabet described contempt as a sign of disrespect and kind of “I’m better than you“ attitude. And guess what, you are not aware of any of this!!
In order to improve your relationship, learn to express your feelings with kindness. Understand your feelings and make a clear statement to express them. Have an open discussion about your feelings.
Remember compassionate conversation is the remedy for the contempt.
#3. Improve your relationship by building a team of two
Are you and your partner in the same team? What I mean here as in the same team is while in the disagreements with your partner, on which side you are? Do you both keep a scorecard of who said what and for how many times? Alarming signs!! OR You are understanding your partner’s thoughts and feelings with compassion. Irrespective of the issues, you are working together during the tough times and supporting each other. Congratulations!! You are already doing great!!
What it also means is irrespective of your different opinions and point of view, you still show up for each other, respect and stand with each other. No matter what happens outside of your relationship, be with each other as better teammates.
#4. Accept relationship changes
Change is an inevitable part of our system. So we all change or keep on changing for some reasons. Either in a good way or bad way or maybe both ways. We are meant to be changed, for our growth and learnings. When you are looking for a long-lasting healthy relationship you have to learn to make some space to accommodate changes of your partner in order to improve your relationship and trust within the relationship.
Earlier during your dating days, you guys might be going out on weekends and hang out with your friends. After a few years, as you approach ahead together you might just wish to be with your partner at home during weekends. OR when you guys first met you used to give more time to each other but due to different challenges life throws at you, your priorities changes. And guess what!! that’s absolutely okay!!
Accept the changes gracefully, have open communication about the changes. If the changes are for good reason then as a partner you are also likely to get benefit out of it. As long as you are showing up to each other with the same respect and values, all changes are good and make sure to make a room for the development of your partner.
#5. The flawless person doesn’t exist
In the movies, we often watch one absolute good side and another absolute bad side. Like heroes vs villains. Knock knock!!! In the real-life, it will never happen. You will never come across a perfect flawless person. If you are putting your partner in any of the perfect person’s role, its time to detach your partner from the imaginary flawless partner role.
When we look for a flawless perfect partner we often end up with high expectations from them. Most of the high expectations slowly lead to disaster in a relationship. SO… If you and your partner are sharing some common values, respect each other, committed to each other, give healthy much-needed space to each other for individual growth, make some mutual important decisions, spend deliberate quality time with each other, acknowledge each other’s feelings… then you guys are doing great!!!
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