All of us get encounters with so many relationship myths, but here are 10 facts about a happy and healthy relationship.

Are you looking for a healthy relationship? Then you must have also read many relationship books or videos on Youtube. I just finished reading Dr John Gottman’s famous book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Before that, I completed another famous book by Stan Tatkin, We Do. I found some of the common facts which happen to be there in all healthy and happy relationship.

I feel these facts are important to understand because, more or less, it will remain part of your relationship.

1. Committed relationship is important

Here committed does not just mean the absence of betrayal. It also means to make all deliberate efforts to make you and your partner happy and secure. The committed relationship helps to strengthen the partner’s emotional bonds stronger. Further, it also enhances social bondings of couples.

The committed relationship provides us with a sense of greater safety in the relationship. There is also a much brighter side to this, committed partners are happier, healthier, tend to fall less ill and recover faster from illness.

2. Love is not enough

Love is a beautiful feeling and it remains there in the relationship for almost entire life. But as you cross the “limerence” phase and move ahead in a relationship you find a list of expectations, responsibilities, shifting of priorities, work-life balance and health issues and much more unending ‘to-do list’. Here more than Love you both need to understand the compatibility of each other.

When you are loaded with responsibilities, along with love what you really need is a pinch of understanding at every step, steal a small deliberate moment to kindle each other, hold a moment and embrace each other, deliberate efforts to form a healthy communication. On purpose make small efforts to thrive your relationship.

Read: Improve your relationship with “Little Learnings”

3. Conflict is unavoidable

Let’s not judge a relationship by its conflicts. Conflicts are inevitable in a healthy relationship too. If there are contempt and criticism in every conflict, then you should be worried about!. Also, seek professional help.

After-effects of conflicts are positive also, it helps you to understand your partner. Make sure understanding is reciprocal and not one way. Most common causes are unrealistic expectations, miscommunication, fewer attempts to get closer, both emotionally and physically. By simply talking openly about conflicts at the earliest, reduces the further chances to increase the conflicts on the same issues.

4. Acceptance of the past bruises

In real life, we can hardly get rid of the past bruise totally. And that’s okay!! Because, as a part of the evolution of human being survival, we are wired to remember the negative experience better than positive ones.

First and foremost, we have to accept each other’s past bruises(traumas). We don’t decide one day and hurt each other. Neither whatever happened with you and your partner had absolutely no control over it. In order to move ahead together, you have to learn to channelise and process the past thoughts in the healthiest way possible. Acceptance of past bruises of each other is also entry points of Love and empathy in the relationship.

5. Be interdependent rather than just independent

We get into a relationship or marriage to seek love, happiness, stability, meaning etc. Which also means we need someone to be with us for some good reason. Now let’s not get into you are complete and enough kinda crap. Well, of course, you are!! But, indeed, we need someone(let’s call them a partner). In all healthy relationship, couples are interdependent on each other for some good and bad reasons. And that’s where interdependency is all about relationship.

It does not mean total dependency or no dependency at all. For example, you depend on your partner where you lack the most or don’t know anything, like technical stuff or cooking stuff or depends on the area of expertise of your partner etc. Its good to be interdependent. It enhances the bonds between you two.

6. Regular maintenance of your relationship

If we don’t maintain our health we might catch diseases sooner or later. In order to avoid that we persistently maintain our health by deliberately eating nutritionally rich food. We do this on regular basis. Same goes with your relationship.

Imagine this as your bank account. We deposit as well as withdraw money from the bank in order to maintain our monetary security. In the same way, John Gottman calls this The Emotional Bank Account. Further, Gottman explains, you need to turn towards each other and connect more often. Here when you connect with each other you make a deposit and when you turn away you make a withdrawal.

So, by this time you must have come to know if there are more deposits in your Emotional Bank Account, you will be Emotionally secure and rich as well in your relationship.

7. Couple fight for no reason(Most of the time)

Couples fail to connect emotionally with each other. Emotional connection can be attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. In other words, you both need to turn towards each other to create a space to express these emotional connections.

An Emotional connection makes a deeper impact on our subconscious. Our brain runs on auto-pilot mode most of the time. When you create a great emotional connection with each other, you are less likely to fight because you are already in that Healthy Emotional Connection mode-ON.

Establishment of Emotional connections usually fails when there are too many contempt and criticism in the relationship and not any attempts to make a repair. So make the most of your time by turning towards each other.

8. Not all conflicts are mean to be resolved

“The idea that couples should solve all of their problems is a myth”.

Dr John Gottman, 

In my previous article How to have a healthy relationship, I had explained that we encounter many conflicts and we even try to find a solution for all of them. But no human is perfect so does the relationship. The perfect couple does not exist. We all have different personalities which might also become a reason for the conflicts.

Here, the main purpose should not be to avoid conflict but to manage conflicts. Understand each other very well. When you know each other, it’s easy to recognize the areas of discomfort. Instead of avoiding conflicts, we should learn to make certain compromises. And the best part comes when you both understand, recognize and appreciate your compromises which add values to it. We lose something but also we get something in return.

9. Novelty makes it interesting

We all have a creative mind in our own way. As we go along with our partner, the same routine might bring boredom. This boredom is not about your partner but the way you spend your time with them. We are wired to form a connection so make diverse efforts to bring the novelty to the relationship.

Your partner is not your clone so certainly what makes you feel good or bad will not have the same impact on your partner. Here adjustment will play its role. So, sit down and make some diverse efforts to create a connections with each other.

10. Healthy relationship is a source of well-being

Many studies and research are backed up by this heading. Robert Waldinger is the famous Psychiatrist and the director of The Harvard Study of Adult Development. In his TED talk, he explained the cause of human longevity, happiness and health are none other than a healthy relationship with your partner and your family.

According to Social Psychology and Epidemiology, the satisfying relationship is the ultimate source of your mental and physical well-being.

11. Secure relationship works better.

We don’t just look for love in a relationship but what we deeply look for is a secure functioning relationship. Stan Tatkin in his book We Do, emphasise more on secure functioning. Because as a part of human evolution, we feel threaten quickly and switch to our subconscious war mode. So, we constantly looking for security within our closest relationship.

Love and respect grow in many folds in a secure functioning relationship.

12. Know each other

Even if you are celebrating your 10th anniversary with your partner or whether you are in 5 years committed relationship, learn not to take your partner for totally granted. So, to know each other remains a constant process, of course, in order to have a healthy and happy relationship.

When you both know each others areas of happiness, miseries, traumas and many more, it helps you to figure out things quickly.

Read: 10 best Relationship books everyone must read

Amazon– Buy Stan Tatkin book We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love

Amazon – Buy John Gottman book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work