Understanding your attachment style in a close relationship plays a very important role. It can help couples to provide stability and smooth functioning of the relationship.

Attachment theory was first proposed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, his colleagues in the research. The attachment theory was based on how infants form an attachment with their parents. Attachment theory put light on attachment styles formed at the early childhood stage and how it reinforces through young adulthood.

However, psychologist and couple therapist Stan Tatkin takes it one step further. He further explains in his book Wired for Love, young adults also form more or less the same attachment styles as they had formed in their childhood.

Attachment styles provide very useful insights into your relationship. Though it does not explain everything about your relationship. Because these are normal human traits and by understanding them might help you to learn useful skills to provide secure functioning of relationships.¹

What is Attachment theory?

When a child is close to their loved one they feel good, happy secure, and when a child is far away from a loved one they feel sad, anxious, and lonely. In a similar way, couples establish attachment styles with their partner in close relationships.²

Attachment with our partner forms by looking, holding, and listening. Similar to our childhood experience with our loved ones. In a close romantic relationship, both partners feel safe, warm, and comfortable with each other.³

Attachments formed by a child are a form of survival due to their basic instincts. According to Bowlby, the same instincts get reinforced as we grow older and forms a close romantic relationship.

The 4 styles of attachment

There are four attachment styles according to psychologists.⁴

1. Secure attachment style
2. Anxious attachment style
3. Avoidant attachment style
4. Anxious-Avoidant attachment style

The main purpose of attachment is to keep us safe, whether in childhood or in a close relationship.

#1. Secure attachment style

Secure attachment types form a stable connection with their partner. They are comfortable with closeness, they are also not worried about being abandoned and not worried whether they will be unloved.⁵

Secure attachment types have high values and self-esteem. They form a great loyal and romantic relationship with their partner. Also, they are trustworthy and trust their partner as well. They are capable to handle rejection and move on in spite of the pain⁶. The best part is Secure attachment types are selfless in their love style.

Lets get some more traits covered here.

• Mutual attraction and commitments
• Friendliness and care for partners well being
• They are attentive to their partner.
• They make their partner feel secure, does not matter what the conditions are!
• Good with verbal and non-verbal communication.

#2. Anxious attachment style

Anxious attachment types form a less secure link with their partner. It does not mean they don’t want to be in a relationship. In fact, they want to be in a relationship and need constant assurance from their partner. They are often nervous and stressed about their relationship.⁷

Anxious attachment types are driven by emotional highs and lows. They also fear being misunderstood and carry lots of self-doubts. Many times they are worried about whether their partner will stay with them or not, whereas the reality might be something different. Women experiences more anxious attachment styles than men.⁸

#3. Avoidant attachment style

The avoidant attachment types usually keep their distance from others. They are also not much comfortable depending on anyone or on their partner, even it seems to be healthy to be dependent.

Avoidant types find it very difficult to trust completely in others including their partner. As they avoid being close to someone, they also face very difficulty maintaining eye contact with close ones.

Due to a difficult upbringing in childhood, avoidant attachment types face trouble in recognizing their personal needs. As a result, their partner needs to make them realize their personal needs.

#4. Anxious-Avoidant attachment style

Anxious-avoidant attachment style also known as disorganized or fearful attachment style. They are not only afraid of close relationships but they attack emotionally at anyone if someone tries to get close to them. It is extremely hard for them to manage their own feelings. Due to this, they are prone to violence and extremely aggressive on their close contacts.

Anxious-avoidant attachment types often expect that something worst might happen in their relationship. Also without any reason, they feel unpredictable sudden shifts of state, for example, switching from joy and happiness to fear and anger.⁹

A very small percentage of the population comes under the Anxious-Avoidant attachment style.

Relationship Attachment Style Test

After reading all attachment styles, you might stop for a moment and think, How should I know my and my partner’s attachment style!

Click on this link of psychologytoday.com to test your attachment style.

Also, yourpersonality.net provides great stuff to test your attachment style. Click here to jump on the test.

Footnotes:

1. Wired for Love– Stan Tatkin
2. Author Jeremy Holmes and John Bowlby
3. John Bowlby and Attachment Theory– Jeremy Holmes
4. Adult attachment, working models, and relationship quality in dating couples – Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
5. Adult attachment, working models, and relationship quality in dating couples – Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
6. Mark Manson
7. Mark Manson
8. Attachment Style, Sexual Orientation, and Biological Sex in their Relationships With Gender Role- Giacomo Ciocca, PsyD, Ph.D., Selene Zauri, PsyD Erika Limoncin, PsyD, PhD
9. The Power of Attachment – Diane Poole Heller